Three's a Fling
by jonadark
Summary: Another accident at Hogwarts...Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are both selected as Head Boy. What will happen when Harry, Draco, and Hermione are forced to live together for a year?
1. Follies and Lollipops

Three's a Fling

Chapter 1

Follies and Lollipops

* * *

Draco Malfoy watched the trees go by.

One tree,

Two tree,

Three tree…

One, two, three. He counted them in intervals of threes as he waited. Glancing away from the window he rolled his eyes as the goody goody of his year entered the cabin.

"Malfoy." Hermione nodded coldly in their customary greeting, but there was surprise in those brown orbs. "What are you doing here?"

Draco motioned around him. "This is the heads compartment. Take a wild guess."

Hermione sat down. "You got lost?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "No, idiot, I…" He paused dramatically—wanting nothing more than to rub in the fact that he, Draco Malfoy, had managed to become head boy in her face. "Am Head Boy."

"Riiiggghht." Hermione nodded. "What type of weird crack are you smoking Malfoy. Harry is…" she stopped as the compartment door slid open and Harry entered.

"Malfoy?" Harry looked between the two, obviously confused. "What is going on?"

Malfoy scooted uncomfortably. "I'm Head boy." He stated again, pulling out the badge and letter that had arrived at his home a week before.

Harry pulled out his badge. "No." He waved it at Malfoy. "I'm head boy."

Hermione smiled and pulled out her badge. "Look-y here, I've got one of those two!"

The two boys turned icy stares in her direction.

"There has to have been a mistake." Draco murmured as he searched his letter again.

"Yeah, there is no way you made Head boy." Harry mused, sitting down. "Definitely a mistake."

Draco shot out of his seat. "What's that Potter? You don't think I could make Head Boy?"

Harry smirked. "Not without your fathers money, Malfoy."

Draco saw red. "You…"

The compartment door slid open and the impeccably timed Headmaster Dumbledore entered.

"Seems I've just prevented World War three." The headmaster chuckled. "Please, be seated."

Harry sat next to Hermione, but Draco lingered obviously enraged.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco rolled his eyes and sat down. "Nothing…_sir._"

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Well now, as you've seen, there's been a bit of a mix-up."

"Ha! I knew it!" Harry stood, starting to do his 'you lost' dance in front of Malfoy.

"No, Harry, that's not quite right." The headmaster said and Harry stopped smiling, sitting back down dejectedly. "You see, we've had a sort of, well lets just say, a folly. A very unusual one."

They sat in silence waiting for the headmaster to continue.

"You are all, as of now, Heads."

Harry sat back. "How?"

"Well," the headmaster stroked his beard. "As it so happens both you and Mr. Malfoy are tied for points."

"Points?" Harry asked.

And Hermione answered. "We each gather points according to our grades, our exams, our behavior and pretty much everything we do gets or takes away points. Like house points really. When they are picking the Head boy and Girl it is decided solely on who has the most points."

"Taking a wild guess here, but this isn't supposed to happen is it?" Draco asked, trying to keep his features bored and his voice caustic. If his father were to find out… Draco thought he might just be sick.

Dumbledore nodded. "You're right, but as it happens, both you and Mr. Potter are peculiarly similar. You both get rather good grades."

No doubt with the help of Granger, Draco thought.

"You both are highly active in school activities and sports."

No doubt because his father paid for the brooms, Harry smirked.

"And you both have a fascination with breaking rules."

Don't I know that! Hermione yawned. Both of them were exactly alike and complete opposites. Go figure. It was going to be an interesting year.

"The Heads dormitory has been altered." Dumbledore stood, "I'll see you at the feast. Until then…" he looked pointedly at Draco and Harry. "Don't kill each other." And with that he left.

The train stopped and everyone got off, including the sullenly silent Malfoy, seething Harry, and a rather indifferent Hermione. They got into the coach and headed for the castle as the rain began pouring down.

"Well, think about it this way, there are many things that come in threes that are…" Hermione trailed off as Harry sent her a look.

"I'm sorry." She murmured.

Harry grimaced. "I can't believe," He looked at Malfoy who was sulking in the corner. "That I have _anything _in common with him."

Draco looked up. "Speak for yourself Potter. My father isn't going to let this stand. You'll be kicked out within a…"

Harry shot up. "Need your father to help you push your way to the top, Malfoy?"

Malfoy didn't let the Gryffindor rile him. "No…"

Harry sat back down.

"But at least I don't need to suck up to all the teachers to get what I want."

Harry sneered. "What about you and Snape, eh?"

Draco shrugged. "I happen to be _good_ at potions, Potter, unlike you. You'd fail if it wasn't for…" He scowled at Hermione. "Your little lap dog there."

If he'd had more to say, he didn't get to as both Hermione and Harry hit him with a silencing charm, smiling as they watched him scream silently.

"Good one." Harry chuckled, leaning back.

Hermione only shrugged her shoulders. "If he wasn't such a prat this wouldn't be so bad…but…" she trailed off.

"It's going to be a long year." Harry sighed.

'Don't talk about me as if I'm not here!' Draco mouthed furiously. But he got no reaction from the Gryffindors. They couldn't hear him. Now, Draco was seething.

After he'd been released from the silencing charm, Draco sneered. "See you later."

But his escape was cut short as his worst nightmare came running up from behind. "DRACO!" Pansy squealed as she crushed her love.

"Pansy." Draco managed as he wheezed. He glared at the smirking Gryffindors. "Find something funny?" he asked as he managed to untangle the limbs that were suffocating him.

Harry and Hermione shook their heads and Draco rolled his eyes.

"Draco, I just wanted to make sure you wanted to..." Pansy giggled, winking suggestively. "Have a lollipop?"

Hermione exchanged a gagging look with Harry and they left. Draco was left to glower at their backs as Pansy walked him to the Slytherin table glaring all the while as Potter and Granger took to their seats.

"How was your summer?" asked a voice next to him. Draco didn't answer. Instead he stared at him empty plate and wished the headmaster would drop dead.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore waited for the clapping to die before he continued. "As always, the Forbid forest is—forbidden, go figure. Mr. Filch has posted yet another list of banned items in the hallways, if you are caught—detentions will be administered. Hmm, this year the Astronomy tower is closed to all students—please do not sneak away to go snogging." The headmaster paused. "Well, that is about it. I would like to announce our Head Boys and Girl for this year."

Draco wanted to disappear; never had he wanted to have his name associated with Potters—ever. In any form, for any reason—well, maybe if he caught the snitch for once against Potter, then he wouldn't mind so badly.

"Draco Malfoy."

The Slytherin table erupted in applause.

"Harry Potter."

For a second the Great Hall was completely silent, until Neville's fork clattered to the floor. Then, the ice broken, the Gryffindors began applauding. Draco could see Potter getting congratulatory hugs and pats.

"The Head Girl is none other than Hermione Granger."

No one seemed surprised by this, and all tables erupted in polite applause—even the Slytherin table.

Draco turned to glare at those clapping—first years—and sent them one of his patented 'I will kill you, your family, and your friends if you don't shut up' look—he was rather proud of this particular one. They stopped and he smirked. Even first years could learn in less than five seconds not to mess with _the _Draco Malfoy.

"Now, let there be food!"

"Thank Merlin!" Ron dived on the platters of food as they appeared. Everything was normal—simply and beautifully normal.

"You have to share a room with the prince of Slytherin?" Ginny asked slyly as Harry ate.

Harry chocked. "Eww. Ginny, don't say you're seriously into that."

Ginny licked her lips. "Mmm." I wish I were Head Girl." she looked pointedly at Hermione. "Now, Hermione's going to be getting all the action."

"Ginny!" Hermione looked at the redhead in total shock. "I will not be doing _any _of the things going through your head."

Ginny smirked. "You sure?"

"Absolutely." Hermione wanted to gag. "That is just disgusting."

Harry had turned green. "No kidding."

Ginny shrugged grinning. "Want a lollipop?"

Hermione and Harry glanced at each other and together screamed "NO!"

Everything remained blissfully normal.

Until the feast ended.

And the Heads were escorted to their dormitory.

Then the real trouble began.

* * *

Yeah. I know. I should be working on my other fics.

Well, I needed a breather.

Please review

Thanks,

jd.


	2. Just Grand

Three's a Fling

Just Grand

* * *

You'd think that once you get to a certain point in time, a certain age, that people would start acting like adults…

Fat chance of that, Hermione thought as she watched her friend and her enemy battle it out.

"No way in hell am I going to be saying 'Gildroy Lockhart' every bloody time I want to get inside." Draco crossed his arms stubbornly.

"It's funny!" Harry insisted.

Hermione sighed.

"Fine. If amusement is what you want, then we'll make the password 'Pot-head'! _That's_ funny." Draco yelled.

"Well then, we'd better make it 'daddy's boy'" Harry retorted scathingly.

Draco ground his teeth. "Just shut up about that!"

Harry smirked. "No."

"Pot-head."

"Daddy's little boy."

"Scarface."

"Ferret."

"Would you both just shut up!" Hermione barged through them, shoving them away from the door. "Ego." She said and the door opened up.

"Hermione." Harry whined. "I don't like that."

Hermione turned back. "It'll be easy for _both_ of you two to remember since you've got such big ones! Now shut up and get in."

The two boys followed orders and the portrait slammed shut behind them.

"Wow." Harry was almost knocked off his feet. This was the most awesome room he'd ever seen.

Draco only shrugged. "Too small."

"Are you kidding?" Hermione asked, wide-eyed. "I'm going to get lost. There needs to be a map."

"Now you've got to be kidding." Draco turned to the Gryffindors, taking in their utterly shocked expressions. "What do you two live in? A matchbox?"

"Cardboard." Hermione replied as she moved away.

Harry laughed. "Mines wire. A cage actually."

Draco smirked. "I'm glad someone was bright enough to figure out that a cage is _exactly _where you belong."

"Enough." Hermione pointed to the four doors that were ahead of them. "You guys want to draw straws or rock papers scissors or…"

"MINE!" Draco dove towards the door on the left.

And out of sheer male competitiveness—or stupidity—Harry dove after him. "No! I want that one!"

Hermione watched as they both ran headlong into the door with a nice loud and very satisfying thud. "OWWW!"

"Serves you right." She walked to the middle door. "Oh and just for future reference you two. You use the doorknob here—you know this round thing, to open the doors. They hardly ever open any other way." And making sure the two were watching from their spot on the floor, she turned it. "Look!" she mocked surprise and jumped back. "It opened!"

"Fuck off, Granger." Draco got to his feet and opened a different door.

Hermione shrugged and walked into the bathroom—the very big, and very stunning bathroom. There were taps and knobs and mirrors and marble and colors and…everything. The room looked as if Bath and Body Works had moved in. The cabinets that lined the wall were stocked with every single kind of soap, bubble bath, lotion…Hermione gazed in total wonder—what girl wouldn't. The only thing that could make this place even closer to heaven was if there was a closet full of shoes.

"AHHHH!"

Hermione turned around and rushed out of the bathroom as the blood curdling screams erupted.

"What did you do!" she screamed as she ran towards the room the boys had gone in to.

WHACK!

The door slammed in her face, knocking her back.

"Damn it!"

That was Draco.

"My nose!"

That was Harry.

"What is going on?" Hermione stood woozily and opened the door. "Oh my Merlin!"

Malfoy was on the floor, his eyes closed, a hand on his forehead. Harry was standing, his hand desperately trying to stem the flow of blood coming from his nose. "What happened?" Hermione stepped forward and both boys screamed.

"No!"

"Stop!"

But it was too late.

WHACK!

"Do you think we should, you know, splash water on her?"

"Uh…"

"We can't just leave her here."

Draco blinked. "Yeah, we can. She'll wake up."

"Maybe not."

"Well if she's not going to wake up, she won't need water to drink." Draco rubbed his forehead. "My head." Whimpering as he touched the growing knot on his forehead, Draco gingerly felt the welt.

Harry touched his nose delicately as he looked at the unconscious Hermione. "You idiot. Water isn't for her to drink. It would wake her up."

"Huh?"

Harry watched as Malfoy's pupils grew and then shrunk. "I…" He stopped. What did he care? This was Malfoy here. But only Malfoy could help him carry Hermione to the bed. "I think you have a concussion."

"A what?"

"Oh never mind." Harry reached down, grabbing Hermione's feet. "Help me carry her to the bed."

Draco only stared. "Why would I do that?"

Harry groaned. Stupid git. "You feel like crap right now?"

"Well, yeah. Who wouldn't after getting smacked in the head by a door out for blood?"

"The only way you'll feel better is if we wake her up. She can fix my nose—which is defiantly broken, and do…whatever the hell she needs to fix you."

"Who says I need fixing?"

"Damn it Malfoy, just grab her arms and help me get her onto the bed!"

"FINE!" Draco grabbed Granger's arms.

"On the count of three." Harry said.

"One. Two…"

"I want to count!"

Harry took a deep breath. "Fine. Count."

"From three?"

"No. To three."

"Huh?"

Gritting his teeth, Harry closed his eyes. "You say one, two, three and we pull her up."

"What if I want to go to four?"

"Fuck! Malfoy! Count to four!" He had no patience for this crap. His nose was about to fall off his face.

Draco swayed slightly, a childish grin on his face. "Goody! On four. One…"A minute went by.

"MALFOY!"

"Two…three…" He looked confused. Harry tried not to tighten his hands into fists. Hermione would be pissed to wake up and have bruises on her ankles. "Do we lift on four?"

"YES! For the love of Merlin, come on!"

"ONETWOTHREEFOUR!" Draco screamed, but instead of lifting he let go.

"What the hell!" Hermione woke with a start. "Ouch." She moaned as she rubbed her backside. "Uh, Harry, why are you holding my ankles?"

"Sorry!" Harry dropped her feet.

"Thanks."

Hermione stood, swayed, and fell. She closed her eyes and lay there.

"Please tell me she isn't unconscious again." Malfoy moaned.

"She's not." Hermione moaned. "Harry, would you pull me up?"

Harry took her and pulled her up. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Eh, Hermione, I hate to sound…well…" Harry looked as if he were about to cry. "Please fix my nose!" he begged.

"And my head!"

Hermione turned to Malfoy. "Not possible." She turned back to Harry and lifted her wand, muttering the spell.

Harry felt the pain lift and at that moment he could have kissed her.

"Me next! Me next!"

"What's wrong with him?" Hermione asked as Malfoy blinked at her with the eyes of a child who just asked for another cookie.

Harry shrugged. "I thought he had a concussion. But…he seems to be…"

"Regressing." Hermione whispered as Malfoy began sucking on his thumb.

Harry stared, mouth open and eyes gleaming with barely contained glee. "Oh this is too good!" Harry rubbed his palms together. "I'm never going to let him live this down."

"Ammunition for the war to come?"

Harry almost looked eager as Malfoy lay down, thumb in mouth, and curled into the fetal position. "Oh yeah."

Hermione grinned. "Isn't this just grand?"

Harry nodded excitedly and the Gryffindors sat down on the edge of the bed, waiting to see what the Malfoy would do next.

* * *

Chapter two...go me.

Anyway.

Hope you enjoyed.

Please review.

jd.


	3. The Panic Room

Three's a Fling

The Panic Room

* * *

Harry grimaced as Madam Pomfrey forced the ghastly potion down Malfoy's throat. He could smell it from halfway across the room—and it was _not_ pleasant. 

"There. Now out with you."

Draco shook his head as he was suddenly pushed to his feet. He looked around the room as it spun.

"Daddy?"

Harry backed up quickly. "Oh, hell no!"

Hermione gaped. "I thought the potion was supposed to _help_ him!"

"Just give it a few minutes." A few minutes passed and a confused Madam Pomfrey looked down at the bottle in her hand. "Uh oh."

* * *

"Understatement of the freaking year!" Harry cursed and then did an exaggerated impression of the mediwitch. "Uh oh."

"Just…" Hermione grimaced as Malfoy stepped on her foot. "Let's just get back to our room without anything _else_ happening."

Harry had his dreaded enemy by the arm; thankfully Malfoy was not really 'aware' of the current happenings. "No shit Hermione. There is no way this could get any worse."

"Daddy, I want a hug."

Hermione turned to give Harry her patented 'what an idiot' stare.

"Just shut up." Harry grumbled. They were almost there; he could see the door when Malfoy let out a howl.

"Good Merlin!" Dropping Malfoy's arm Harry covered his ears. "Bloody freaking hell!"

The blond boy crumpled to the floor—still howling mercilessly. "DAAAAAAAAAADDDDYYY! Don't be mean to Draco!" he sobbed.

Hermione grimaced. "Please be quiet." She awkwardly patted the seventeen-year-old child.

Harry lowered his hands cautiously. "Safe yet?"

Glaring Hermione rubbed her eyes. "Just, don't cuss in front of him—he's er, in a fragile state right now."

"All the more reason to scar him for life. Beat him to a pulp. Maim."

"Harry!"

Harry shrugged. "What?"

"He's just a kid."

"In the body of my most hated enemy."

"Well, just…oh this is stupid. Just get Malfoy back to our room and dump him on one of the beds and wait."

"Like we have a choice?"

"This year is going to…"

"No cussing." Harry interrupted quickly, pointedly looking down at the wide-eyed Malfoy.

"I wasn't going to cuss." Hermione hissed back.

"Daddy?"

Harry wanted to retch. "Look here…kid…my name is Harry Potter, you're name is Malfoy. See, the names don't match. I'm not your father!"

"Thank Merlin." Hermione murmured.

But it didn't look like little Malfoy in big Malfoy's body understood. He jabbed himself in the chest. "Potter." He announced proudly.

Harry stood in shock.

Hermione turned red.

Draco Malfoy hopped around the hallway—ignorant of the two teenagers who looked quite likely to become rather sick. "Potter. Potter. Potter. Potter. I'm Draco Potter." He stopped in front of Harry and grinned…a very disturbing grin.

The grin would have been normal on a child of the nice age of four…but on a seventeen year old—it just looked wrong.

Especially when directed at another male.

Harry cringed visibly and looked ready to slug Malfoy.

"Uh, no, no." Hermione stepped between the two boys. "Here, why don't we just…Malfoy, why don't we go back to the room and you can…" Hermione searched the air for an idea. "You can play with toys—toys, yes, uh, do you like to play with toys?"

"Potter!"

Hermione tried not to grin. "Uh, would Potter like to play with some toys?"

Malfoy nodded his head enthusiastically, his blond hair bouncing, eyes gleaming.

It seemed that the younger Draco Malfoy had brought some changes to the physical body of older Draco Malfoy, Hermione noted. His eyes were wider, deeper, and just seemed to gleam with the innocent mischief of a child.

All in all, Hermione decided, it was a definite improvement. She was almost going to miss it when the 'real' Draco Malfoy came back—if he came back.

"I can't believe there isn't a single thing that would pass as a kid's toy in this whole freaking place." Harry whispered angrily to Hermione.

"It's a school, Harry, not a playpen." They were beginning to search frantically—fearing what would occur if a very big child did not get what he was promised.

"How bout this?" Harry held it up for Hermione's approval.

"It's a tube of toothpaste."

"So?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is that what you played with as a child Harry?"

Harry didn't answer.

"That is just pathetic."

"The Dursley's didn't give out toys to the boy who lived under the stairs."

"Well, let me tell you that Mr. Malfoy out there is not going to be as entertained by your tube of toothpaste as you were."

Harry reluctantly put it down. "How do you know that?"

"Because people like Malfoy were spoiled rotten."

"And?"

"And they know what is a toy and what is not a toy. And they get very upset when they don't get what they want."

Harry rubbed his eyes, leaning back against the wall. "How often do you think Madame Pomfrey confuses potions?"

Hermione paused. "Hopefully not too often."

"The one time it happens, guess who gets stuck with it."

"Feeling sorry for yourself already?"

"Well, that idiot out there is not calling you 'Mama' now is he? NO! He's calling me 'Daddy'!" Harry jabbed his finger towards the door.

Hermione grinned. "I have to admit it's rather cute."

"CUTE!" Harry gaped, his eyes bulging. "Malfoy calling me daddy is anything but cute. Have you lost your marbles?"

Hermione shrugged slamming the bathroom cupboard door shut and eyed the room once more. The bathroom had been done in the cool tones of water and hints of grass greens. The glass covered walls opened to show the numerous bath—Hermione paused, a small light bulb going off.

"BUBBLES!"

Jumping Harry and turned to Hermione. "What?"

"We'll have him play with bubbles." Hermione said again.

"Well good. But did you have to scream it? I think I just…"

"Daddy?"

Harry rounded on Malfoy. "For the last time, I'm not your Dad!" He screamed furiously.

And all hell broke loose.

The seventeen-year-old Slytherin with the mindset of a four year old screamed loudly. Hermione covered her ears and glared daggers at Harry. "What is your problem!" she mouthed at him.

A very angry looking Harry glared back at her. "It's Malfoy!" He mouthed back.

Finally the screaming subsided and they slowly removed their hands looking cautiously at Malfoy.

Hermione grabbed the bottle of bubbles from behind her and slowly held it out to Malfoy. "Would you like to play with the bubbles?" Her voice shook despite herself.

It was obvious by the look on Malfoy's face that bubbles would _not_ suffice. The pale face turned a sickening shade of red and both Harry and Hermione backed away from him as a blood-curdling scream escaped his lips.

Harry trembled as the huge boy came barreling towards him—a mass of flailing arms and legs. "Hermione!" Harry screamed as she abandoned him—running out of the room as fast as her legs could carry her. Running seemed like the smartest thing to do at the moment and he took off after her.

"ARRRRRRR!" That was all they heard as they ran. Harry tripped on the rug and was sent sprawling across the floor, he looked up and immediately covered his head and brought his knees to his chest. But the big kid didn't compensate enough and shot past Harry, giving him time to scramble to his feet.

"Harry!" Hermione motioned for him to head back to the bathroom as Malfoy slowed to a stop and charged.

Doing as she suggested, Harry ran for his life. He went back the way he came, through the door that led to one of the rooms and through the door that opened to the bathroom. The last one he slammed shut and locked.

Hermione came running in through yet another door which she also locked. They leaned back and panted…

"ARRRRR!"

"Oh no!" Hermione pointed towards the last door, which was _not_ locked. "Hurry!" she screamed as she caught site of the rampaging Malfoy. But they were too late. Malfoy barreled through the door and stopped. His blond hair was a mess and his eyes shone to kill.

"Oh crap." Harry whispered and felt Hermione back up beside him.

"We're going to die." She whimpered, her voice trembling. There was only one place to run to.

"The shower." Harry whispered, taking hold of Hermione's sleeve and backing away from Malfoy, slowly.

"AHHH!" Draco screamed and charged the two Gryffindors.

"Holy shit!" Harry turned and ran, hauling Hermione with them, they wrenched open the shower door and closed it with a smack.

Another loud smack was heard a moment later.

Hermione slunk to the ground in hysterics. There was nowhere left to run and as soon as the boy outside got his brains back he'd open the door and…who knew what would happen.

"Harry, why the hell did you have to yell at him!"

"How was I supposed to know he was going to go on a rampage?"

"It's Draco Malfoy, Harry!"

Harry sighed. "Yeah."

"AHH!"

"We're so dead." Harry whispered and backed as far away from the glass shower door as he could and watched Malfoy wrap his hand around the handle and pull.

But the door didn't budge.

"What's going on?" Hermione whispered.

"I don't think he can get in."

Hermione eyed the shower. "Harry…" she said, trying to keep the panic from her voice. "Push on the door. Try to open it."

"Are you crazy!"

"Just try." Hermione said softly and Harry complied seeing her worried eyes.

He pushed on the door…it did not open.

"What's with this?" Harry cried.

Hermione slumped against the tile and fell to the floor. "He can't get in Harry…but we can't get out."

"You mean…this is…oh, Dumbledore is smart." Harry grinned.

"Smart maybe, but I don't think he thought this through."

"How's that?"

"We're stuck in here."

Harry gulped as he looked at the small-enclosed…very enclosed space. "We're locked in here aren't we?"

"Yeah."

"Locked in a panic room."

"Yeah."

"Um. Hermione." Harry said nervously.

"Yeah?"

"I know we're stuck in a panic room and we're supposed to feel, uh, safe…but, uh, I think I'm going to panic."

"Harry, you can't lose it on me now."

"I don't want to Hermione, but it's just that…. I'm claustrophobic!"

* * *

Hehe. Hope you like. Please review! 

Merry Christmas!

jd.


	4. Back to Normal

Three's A Fling

Back to Normal

* * *

Harry tapped the ribbed glass that separated him and Hermione from the almost eerily calm Slytherin—a Slytherin who, at the moment, was sitting cross-legged in front of the shower door. 

Deep gray eyes blinked lazily as Harry tapped his finger against the glass. It was indeed glass, but unbreakable…

Harry's heart did a small summersault, he desperately tried to control the runaway nerves of his but they were steadily growing into a knot in the deep pit of his stomach.

"Do you think he can see us?" Harry asked as the Slytherin continued to stare dully at them—or not at them.

Hermione didn't respond as she took in her slightly flustered friend. His green eyes were opened wide, his face flushed, and there was a gleam to his skin that looked—unhealthy, to say the least. "Harry?" she bit her lip as he jumped noticeably.

"Yeah?"

"This might sound stupid. But, didn't you live in a cupboard for most of your life?"

Harry twitched nervously as he stared at Malfoy through the glass. "Yeah."

"And you're claustrophobic?" Her eyebrow rose slightly even as the worried expression deepened.

Harry was now totally absorbed with the figure outside the shower.

"Harry?"

Finally his eyes peeled away from the blond to face Hermione and she could see the panic brimming. "Yeah?"

"How is it you are claustrophobic?"

Harry swallowed, pleased to find that he could still do that small function. "Well, it's because I lived in that small space all those years. When I came here I kind of got used to having…well, you know…space."

"Ah. Okay." Hermione's eyes drifted around the shower. "Well, it's not as small a shower as it could be. Imagine if this was a corner shower!"

Harry managed only a half-hearted chuckle. "Yeah, imagine that." He shuddered. "Merlin that would be…" Harry's head snapped as the Slytherin stood abruptly.

Hermione watched as Malfoy shook his head, eyes clouded, his face settling into a frown of confusion.

"Hey Hermione, I think he's back."

At that moment, the Slytherin's silver eyes landed on the door and he jumped back with an "Eep!"

"Malfoy. Can you hear me?" Hermione asked.

"Of course I can fucking hear you Granger. Have you gone mental?" Draco eyed the Gryffindors for a moment. "What the hell are you two doing in the shower together?" He crinkled his nose in disgust. "And still dressed."

"I don't think you want to know, Malfoy." Harry muttered.

"Well, come out. You look ridiculous together."

"We can't." Hermione said softly.

"What's that?"

"We can't get the fuck out!" Harry screamed.

Draco's eyebrows rose. "You don't say?"

"Oh fuck it Malfoy, just try and open the door." Hermione shouted.

Draco shrugged. "If you insist." He pulled the door open. "What was so hard about that?"

"FREEDOM!" Hermione was shoved roughly to the side and Draco felt a soft breeze against his cheek as a blur that was Harry ran from the bath.

"What's got his knickers in a twist?" Draco asked.

Stupidly, Hermione answered. "Claustrophobic."

Silver eyes widened. "Oh really." Draco contemplated this new piece of evidence. "How very interesting." He whispered to himself as he trailed Hermione out of the room.

They all gathered in the common room. Harry was sprawled on the couch, Draco took a chair, and Hermione took notice of a small card propped up on the coffee table (and of course, the other two were quite surprised, really now, she is rooming with two males—teenage males…can you really expect them to _notice _anything? Hmm? I thought not).

"Hey, there's a note from Dumbledore." Hermione opened it.

Draco yawned. "What does the old codger have to say?"

Harry glared, and Hermione shook her head as she read aloud.

"Welcome to your new rooms. I hope you find them appropriate. Ms. Granger, I would like you to take notice of the small door to your left, inside I've taken the liberty to stock a few noteworthy books. Mr. Potter, there is a squeaky floorboard near the window, take a look under that when you have the time and my dear Mr. Malfoy…" here Hermione paused as all made gagging motions. "The desk in the corner, the black one, is for your use. It is all ready stocked with all materials you will need, as well as a potions kit. I hope you enjoy. I also took the liberty, while searching for books for Ms. Granger, to find you some recreational reading as well. Inside the bottom drawer you will find several books. There is _How to Fight The Dark Side by Poppy Puddles_, _Switching Sides by Batty Watty, How Azkaban Treats Convicted Death Eaters (complete with illustrations) by Wicky Woo and Loving thy Enemy by Lucky Sevhen_…do enjoy them. If you'd like more, just ask. Now, I must warn you that the last two heads left with a bit of a vendetta against the school—and each other, so watch out for stray charms, hexes and curses! I wish you all the best,

Headmaster Dumbledore."

"Subtle, he is not." Draco muttered.

"At least he's taken an interest in your well being Malfoy." Harry yawned. "Oh and by the way. If you ever call me _daddy _again, I will kill you."

Draco, who had been lounging in the chair, trying to appear bored, shot up. "WHAT!"

"I think you heard me."

"I have NEVER called you _daddy_!" Draco shouted, his eyes wide. "Have I?" He glanced at Granger who nodded. "OH FUCK NO! You're both lying."

"Wish I were, you even wanted to hug me. You danced around proclaiming that your name was Potter."

"I did not." But Harry was pleased to see an embarrassed blush gracing the pale boy's skin.

"You did too."

Draco shuddered. He really couldn't remember anything. He remembered getting hit by a door, and then he remembered staring at the two Gryffindors in the shower. Shaking his head he muttered "Mental" and left the room. He picked the room to his left and slammed the door behind him—with more force than was necessary. All three cringed.

"That was mean Harry."

Harry shrugged. "Stupid git deserved it. Hey!" Harry recoiled as Hermione smacked him aside the head. "What was that for?"

"Felt like it."

"You're evil."

"Why thank you."

Harry pouted as he watched Hermione go to the door Dumbledore said was for her. A second later she stumbled back from the entrance, her face frozen in shock.

"I thought he said a collection of books." Harry said as he stared into the room. "Not half a fucking library."

But Hermione's eyes were clouded over and the look in her eyes made Harry shudder. You knew something was wrong with your friend when their eyes filled with lust over a bunch of books.

Still shaking his head, Harry left her there. He sure as hell didn't feel anything sexual when confronted with a bunch of books. Good boy, Harry (said some annoying voice inside his head, and as dear Harry had quite a few of them, it will remain 'some annoying voice'). Picking the room farthest from Malfoy's he plopped on the bed, exhausted. He vaguely remembered that he had a squeaky floorboard to investigate before sleep claimed him.

Hermione finally tugged herself away from half the library Dumbledore had given her. From what she could tell, there was really no reason for her to ever leave these rooms again. She had books, a bed, bathroom filled with everything she could possibly want, and house elves to deliver food on a whim. Life was good.

She tiredly made her way past the room Malfoy had disappeared into hours before. She went to the farthest room, only to find Harry asleep, softly curled, on the bed. She shook her head, a smile playing on her lips. "Night Harry." She whispered as she left with a sigh. "Guess I've got to room next to the ferret."

Her room was soft and golden. Hermione didn't take the time to admire, her eyes drooping as she prepared for bed. It wasn't much longer before she flopped down and left the waking world.

* * *

Glowing eyes, glowing pink eyes blinked. Slowly it slithered from under the bed and looked with disgust at the sleeping blond. Was this it's legacy? Watch the stupid Slytherin's of the world sleep? It sure thought not. No, it had bigger and better things to do. Slowly, it slipped beneath the door and into the hallway. Hehe…maybe, just maybe the imbeciles had left the door open…. 

Not so, it soon found out. Pink eyes gazed around angrily. Well then. It would just have to stick around. Slowly it slithered back down the hallway before deciding on a door. It wiggled its way into the room and climbed up the side of the bed. Hmm, it thought, not so bad, as it settled on top the warm chest. Kinda liikkkeeee itttttt...pink eyes blinked a final time before it too succumbed to the pull of sleep on the warm chest.

* * *

And there be, my lovely readers, the end of chapter four!

I can't believe I haven't updated this since christmas...eeekkk! Sorry all! I hope you enjoyed this update into my inner madness. I took the liberty of editing all previous chapters...I hate finding mistakes, drives me up a wall. Okay, well I'm off!

Please review!

Oh...and in case any of you are confused, the next chapter will be titled "THE THING WITH PINK EYES"...so if that helps!

Love you all!

jd.


	5. The Thing With Pink Eyes

NOTE: This story is not to be taken seriously. There are incomplete sentences, many things such as the rules concerning commas and semicolons are completely and utterly ignored at times. The plot along with the style of writing of this story is written for fun and stress relief.

Simply put. This is my rebellion. If you wish it to be anything else…I suggest looking elsewhere.

oh yes, this is currently rated T, however, if any of you feel that readers such as yourselves can not handle a bit of cursing and swear words...I will promptly move it to M. Your choice.

So sit back, and just enjoy!

* * *

The Thing With Pink Eyes (part one)

* * *

"GAHHHHHHHHH!" 

The hills lining the valley shook and there was an odd vibration in the air. Pink eyes snapped open._ EARTHQUAKE-sss! THE WORLD-sss ENDING!_

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!"

"Hermione!" Harry yelled, as he was roused violently from his sleep, he rolled out of his bed in shock. "What's going on? Hermione! I'm coming."

"HARRRRY! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! HARRY!"

Fumbling with his socks—the floor was cold, so sue him—Harry rushed towards the sounds of an increasingly hysterical Hermione. "I'm coming, what is it?"

"What the fuck is that racket! Granger shut up!"

"AHHHHHHHHH! Harry!"

Harry pushed past what appeared to be a sleep ridden Malfoy and shoved the door open.

"AHHHHHHH!" This time the scream came from behind him. Harry turned in shock to see Malfoy, eyes wide and almost bugging out of his head.

What the hell? Harry blinked.

"Harry!" Hermione cried, "Get it off me! Get it off!" Tears were running down her red face and Harry quickly looked for what exactly he was supposed to get off her.

_Make-sss it stop! Make-sss it stop sss-creaming! I-sss gonna be sick!_

Harry's jaw dropped.

Clinging to Hermione's chest with clenched claws was a…a thing with pink eyes?

"AHHHHH!"

"Shut the fuck up Malfoy! God, what is your problem! Now, Hermione, just calm down and hold still."

"Harrrrrry!" Hermione sobbed, shaking uncontrollably. "Get it off."

Harry swallowed. How the hell was anyone supposed to do anything this early in the morning? He had a hysterical Hermione to deal with, and a panic-stricken Malfoy behind him, and a hysterical…thing, clinging to the hysterical Hermione, which seemed to be incidentally causing the hysterics from both Malfoy and Hermione. All of which were in the bloody throws of their hysterics and not

"God damn it, listen to me!" Harry shouted finally. He turned abruptly and smacked Malfoy speechless. The blond looked at him in a state of disbelief, his gray eyes misty. Harry took a moment to assess the situation now that it was considerably less…hectic. Well, it seemed he wasn't in any danger of being smacked back…_so_…on to the next problem.

"Hermione. Just hold still. I'm going to…" Harry paused. Erm, what exactly was he going to do?

_She-sss stay still. _He heard the soft hisses_. And-sss I gladly get-sss off-sss._

Harry nodded his confused head absently and took a step forward.

Only to find himself being wrapped in a fury of pale and surprisingly strong limbs.

"NO! Don't touch it!" Draco wrapped himself round the boy hero, using him much like one would use body armor.

"Err…Malfoy…you are…err…" Harry didn't like this situation. Not one bit. Come on now, who the hell would want Draco Lucius Malfoy attached to them—warm body pressed tightly against another? Eh? Well, Harry James Potter definitely did _not _like it. OHHH NO. He did not.

But he would treat Malfoy like he would any rabid animal. Calmly…he would not freak out about having another boy pressed forcefully against him. Harry shivered. Thank god no one here would ever, _ever_ tell a living soul of the current predicament—it was going to go with them to the grave.

"Why, Malfoy, can't I touch it?"

"It's a salamander!" Draco cried.

"And?"

"It's a salamander!"

Still confused, Harry took a good look at the animal. "You sure it isn't a snake?"

"IT CAN'T BE A SNAKE!" Draco shouted, too close for comfort for Harry's delicate eardrums. "Because it's a salamander!"

"But it talks like a snake."

"Damn it Potter, it's a damn salamander, and its damn well a salamander cause I know what a damn salamander is and it…"

"Oh get off it. It is not a salamander. It is a snake. I don't understand what the big…" Harry, being the bright boy that he was paused before turning in the blonds grip (which was rather difficult, but the stubborn teenager managed all the same) to face him—only to find himself staring into a face that was almost petrified in fear. "Err…Malfoy are you afraid of…err…salamanders?"

Draco shuddered, his eyes trained on the thing clinging to Hermione's chest. "Don't touch it." He murmured softly.

"It's a snake." Harry said softly as he disengaged the limbs holding him hostage. Slow and steady now, he thought, just back away from him. Slow and steady does the trick.

_I-sss not a salamander-sss nor am I a snake you dimwitted buffoons-sss._

"Err…okay." Harry said as calmly as he could. "You're not a snake. And you're not a salamander."

"What the fuck are you jabbering at Potter. It's a fucking salamander!"

Hermione closed her eyes and counted to three before opening them again. "Can. You. Please. Remove. Thing. From. My. Chest?" There, she'd managed not to scream.

_I get-sss off your damn chest-sss._

Hermione shivered as something slivered down her torso and legs to the floor.

_Sheesh-sss, girl has-sss problems._

Harry laughed.

Twin glares shut him up.

"Err…"

"Potter have you gone mental?"

"Err…"

"Shut up Malfoy."

"I will not shut up until that salamander is removed."

Harry could have sworn that the thing managed an indignant huff. "Err…"

"Well, I don't care what you want Malfoy. Get the hell out of my room!"

"Uh uh," Draco said, shaking his not-so-perfect blond head. "I am not moving my pretty little ass until that thing is exterminated!"

Harry groaned.

_I-sss am not a THING and I-sss not a SNAKE and I-sss not a SALAMANDER!_

"Fine, what the hell are you!" He shouted, his sudden outburst had Hermione eyeing him curiously and Draco cackling (on the inside, of course).

"I knew the boy wonder really was off his rocker."

"Shut it!" Harry growled. "I speak parsletounge."

"AKA, I hear voices in my head." Draco said scathingly.

_I not-sss like his attitude. Tell him to get stuffed-sss._

Harry let out a snort, even as he tried his hardest not to.

Draco edged closer to Granger. "Are you sure he's stable?"

Shrugging Hermione edged back away from the Slytherin…and away from the thing.

"So…um, what are you?"

"Gone nutters." Draco muttered.

_I-sss a Salamanake._

Harry's brow furrowed. "I've never heard of such a thing. Where did you come from?"

I didn't-sss come from anywhere-sss! I was created… 

Was it possibly for a thing to sound both proud and disgusted?

"Oh."

"What the fuck is your problem, Potter?"

"Shut up Malfoy!" Hermione whispered in an angry hiss.

The creature turned large pink eyes onto her then looked back at Harry.

_She-sss not so bad-sss. When she stop-sss screaming-sss._

Harry smiled. "Erm, the Salamanake likes you Hermione."

Hermione's eyes grew wide.

"When you're not screaming." Harry clarified.

"What about me!" Draco asked, pouting.

_Stupid blond-sss._

Harry couldn't help the snicker.

"WHAT?" Draco shouted incredulously. "What did it say?"

Harry shrugged, ignoring the blonds question—or as it happens when you are dealing with Malfoy, demand. "You said you were created…what did you mean?"

_Cauldron-sss._

"Ah." Harry nodded. "Who though?"

The thing seemed to shrug as pink eyes roved around the room, it sighed. _Greasy black haired git-sss…_The thing grumbled irritably. The words were hissed much like a curse.

"SNAPE?" Harry sat on Hermione's bed. Floored. "Snape…made you?"

If the thing could raise an eyebrow, it most definitely did. _Greasy black haired git?_

"That would be Professor Snape…" Harry chuckled. "To a tee."

"Wait a second!"

Harry glanced over to Hermione. "What?"

"You think you could clue the rest of us in on what it is saying?"

Harry felt a sheepish blush creep up his cheeks. "Err…sorry." He bit his lower lip. "Not much really. Um, it's a…"

I will talk so that they understand me… 

The hissing was suddenly gone and Harry looked around confused.

Draco's jaw dropped towards the floor—an impressive feat for any man-human, pretty soon we'll have that refined ferret winning beer-chugging contests. Hermione's eyes grew wide with excitement—and of course she was excited! Who wouldn't be? Haven't you ever wanted to be the discoverer of a new species…to receive the honor of naming it, the glory of finding out everything about it? To Hermione, this was much like Christmas, only better. It was Christmas to the nth power.

"I…Harry…I can understand what it said!" Hermione bubbled, almost clapping in her excitement.

_Of course you can understand me, lovely lady._

Now, Harry thought with a roll of his emerald eyes, now it sucks up to her.

"Ohhh! This is so _excite'in!_" Hermione squealed.

It was a sound that made all males in the room cringe. Malfoy repressed a body-racking shudder. That sound reminded him way too much of a creature he wasn't very fond of. A woman, but still, in his opinion, a creature none-the-less. The kind of creature that should be exterminated, if he had any say in it.

"Why were you in here?" Hermione asked, her fear of the pink-eyed thing flying out the window. She picked it up and sat next to Harry on her bed.

_I am very sorry, if I caused you any distress this morning._

Hermione blushed.

Harry snorted. Yeah right! What about him and Malfoy, eh? Were they not distressed?

Oh well.

To answer your question, I was actually hoping that one of you had left the door unlocked, but alas…

"You want to leave?" Hermione asked, her face falling.

No…I just wanted the chance to explore this place. I've only been to the dungeons and…to that twinkle-eyed bearded imbecile's room!

The pink eyes glowed neon.

Harry leaned away.

Malfoy, however, seemed to find this quite interesting. "Dumbledore?"

The thing shrugged…if that was even possible. _I don't know names. I associate smells and sight to a human's identity._

"Well, what did Dumbledore do to make you so angry at him?" Harry asked.

The crazy black haired greasy git was so happy to finally create me, he thought he'd show me to that white bearded idiot.

"And?"

And then the man grabbed me from the crazy greasy haired git and beat him over the head with a newspaper roll when he objected. I think I saw tears. But I'm not sure. The bearded one insisted that I was his birthday present…and the greasy one said something like 'your birthday is in November' but then the other insisted that it was a belated birthday present and when the other opened his mouth to argue he was whacked with that paper roll again.

Harry stared dumbfounded. Really…what else could he possibly do?

Well…that was answered with the thump to his left.

Emerald eyes shot to the source of the sound…and stared.

Malfoy. Draco Malfoy was rolling on the floor laughing.

Merlin, Harry thought, could things get any weirder?

* * *

I'm sorry for the wait. I actually had this chapter done a week ago. Sorry. Anyway...I hope you at least laughed once. That is my goal!

Tell me what you think!


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